Some people find their calling. Mine found me. 

I mean this literally.

I was a young teen, scared, alone, and already facing an extremely vulnerable situation- when I needed an emergent medical procedure. 

There was someone who held my hand, and talked me through everything. She told me she would be right there, holding my hand through it all, and that she would be the first person I saw right after I woke up. In that moment, I felt the safest I had felt in a long time.

As she held my hand, I looked at her and asked who she was.

She introduced herself: "Im a CRNA."

With a warm smile, she counted down from 1-10 and I was out. 

The moment I went home, I did my research. I decided that day, I wanted to spend the rest of my life being that person for others. I wanted to be the person who stays, the person who can offer safety in someones most vulnerable moment. 

The research was done. The journey however, felt out of reach.

The brain storming began. All I knew was I was not going to give up.

The obstacles I would have to overcome towered over me: the academic struggles, the financial instability, a violent relationship and unstable life. Life kept happening, but I kept my goal at the forefront of everything. Little by little, I kept chipping away at all the obstacles. in front of me. 

FAST FORWARD A FEW YEARS...

I decided I was going to grab life by its collar.

During COVID I completed my prerequisites, and made the decided to move cross country, I wanted a fresh start and a chance to escape a life- and a violent situation that was holding me back. With little more than faith and determination, I moved to Iowa, enrolled in an accelerated BSN program with the most afforadble tuition I could find and began my nursing journey.

The journey was far from perfect. I worked three jobs, sometimes nearly all at once, to pay for school and rent, while completing a rigorous program. There are days I still wonder how I did it. However, that experience taught me jus thow much can be accomplished through perseverance. 

During my clinical and preceptorship in Iowa, I also witnessed how differently healthcare can  look in different healthcare can look from one community to another and how profoundly access to care can shape peoples lives, particularly withtin vulnerable populations. Those experiences strengthened my desire to continue advancing my skills and to use them as a vessel for meaningful change in the communities I serve. While volunteering within psychiatric settings and local shelters, I learned those populations were often overlooked and reinforced my belief that healthcare extends far beyond the walls of the hospital.

I graduated, the first women in my family to earn a degree in healthcare, Passed my NCLEX and moved back to New York City ready to write the next chapter of my story. 

I chose a level 1 trauma center in the Bronx and began my career in the  Surgical trauma ICU. I showed up everyday, like a sponge--eager to learn and willing to be challenged. Over the years, I have grown from a new critical care nurse into a charge nurse, preceptor, mentor, and resource for newer nurses. I have taught skills, shared the lessons others once taught me and helped newer nurses build the same confidence I once had to build for myself. 

Critical care also transformed my dream of being a CRNA into an informed professional goal. At the bedside I became fascinated by the physiology behind patient deterioration, the precision needed when managing vasoactive medications and sedation, the time management and attention to detail required to care for critically ill patients. Once you pair this knowledge with skill, such as judgment, vigilance, and the ability to remain steady when the patient cannot, you see all the behind the scenes work it takes to keep a patient trending upward. 

I now find myself back at the drawing board again, looking at the same goal I have carried with me since day 1- but I am no longer the younger version of myself wondering whether it is possible. 

My journey to CRNA school has not been perfect. my path has not been linear. But the woman sitting here today can finally see that the goal is no longer out of reach. I have built the clinical skills, confidence, experience, the safety and stability to pursue my dream that once felt so distant.

Years ago, a CRNA held my hand during one if the most vulnerable moments of my life and showed me what it meant to stay and make someone feel safe. 

One day I hope to be the person on the other side of the bed. Holding a hand. Staying. Providing a safe space.

I might be taking a longer road, but the length of the road does not determine the destination.